How to manage your emotions
Transcript
You and your friend need to ace Friday’s exam to avoid summer classes, and after a week of studying, you both feel confident that you pulled it off.
But when you get your grades back, they’re much lower than the two of you expected.
You’re devastated.
However, your friend doesn’t seem too bothered, and it’s making you wonder why you can’t shake this off like they can.
But should you really be trying to look on the bright side?
And is controlling our emotions even possible in the first place?
The answer to the last question is a definitive “yes.”
There are numerous strategies for regulating our emotions, and one framework to understand these techniques is called the Process Model.
Psychologists use this tool to identify where and how to intervene in the process that forms our emotions.
That process has four steps: first, we enter a situation, real or imagined, and that draws our attention.
Then we evaluate, or appraise, the situation and whether it helps or hinders our goals.
Finally, this appraisal leads to a set of changes in how we feel, think, and behave, known as an emotional response.
Each step of this process offers an opportunity to consciously intervene and change our emotions, and the Process Model outlines what strategies we might try at each phase.
To see this in action, let’s imagine you’ve been invited to the same party as your least-favorite ex and their new partner.
Your first strategy could be avoiding the situation altogether by skipping the party.
But if you do attend, you could also try modifying the situation by choosing not to interact with your ex.
If that’s proving difficult, you might want to shift your attention, maybe by playing a game with your friends rather than focusing on your ex’s new partner.
Another option would be to re-evaluate how you think about the situation.
After seriously reappraising things, you might realize that you don’t care who your ex dates.
If none of these strategies work, you can always try tempering your emotional response after the fact.
But this can be tricky.
Many of the easiest ways to do this, like hiding your emotions or trying to change them with recreational drugs, generally lead to more negative feelings and health concerns in the long term.
More sustainable strategies here include going for a long walk, taking slow, deep breaths, or talking with someone in your support system.
While using all these strategies well takes practice, learning to notice your emotions and reflect on where they’re coming from is half the battle.
And once you’ve truly internalized that you can regulate your emotions, doing so becomes much easier.
But should you use these techniques to constantly maintain a good mood?
That answer depends on how you define what makes a mood “good.”
It’s tempting to think we should always try to avoid sadness and frustration, but no emotion is inherently good or bad— they’re either helpful or unhelpful depending on the situation.
For example, if a friend is telling you about the loss of a loved one, feeling and expressing sadness isn’t just appropriate, it can help you empathize and support them.
Conversely, while it’s unhealthy to regularly ignore your emotions, forcing a smile to get through a one-time annoyance is perfectly reasonable.
We hear a lot of mixed messages about emotions.
Some pressure us to stay upbeat while others tell us to simply take our emotions as they come.
But in reality, each person has to find their own balance.
So if the question is: “should you always try to be happy?”
The answer is no.
Studies suggest that people fixated on happiness often experience secondary negative emotions, like guilt, or frustration over being upset, and disappointment that they don’t feel happier.
This doesn’t mean you should let sadness or anger take over.
But strategies like reappraisal can help you re-evaluate your thoughts about a situation, allowing you to accept that you feel sad and cultivate hope that things will get better.
Vocabulary List
ace
(verb) to succeed at something very well
pull off
(verb) to achieve something difficult or impressive
bothered
(adjective) feeling annoyed or upset
shake off
(verb) to get rid of something that is bothering you
definitive
(adjective) providing a complete and accurate answer to a question
framework
(noun) a basic structure or set of principles on which something is based
intervene
(verb) to become involved in a situation in order to try to resolve it
appraise
(verb) to assess the value or quality of something
hinder
(verb) to make something more difficult or slow to happen
consciously
(adverb) in a way that is aware of what you are doing
skip
(verb) to not do something that you usually do or should do
work
(noun) to have the result or effect that you want
temper
(verb) to control or moderate the intensity of something
concern
(noun) a feeling of worry or anxiety about something
internalize
(verb) to make something part of your own thinking or understanding
tempting
(adjective) causing someone to want something very much
inherently
(adverb) existing in something as a basic characteristic
empathize
(verb) to understand and share the feelings of another person
conversely
(adverb) on the other hand
upbeat
(adjective) feeling or showing cheerful confidence
fixated
(adjective) having a very strong and often obsessive interest in something
cultivate
(verb) to develop or improve something over a period of time
Grammar Point
verb pattern: try
But if you do attend, you could also try modifying the situation by choosing not to interact with your ex.
If none of these strategies work, you can always try tempering your emotional response after the fact.
When we need to use a verb after the verb “try”, it can be in:
– infinitive form (to + base form)
– -ing form
try + to + base form
If you try to do something, you attempt to do it.
We must try to prevent this from happening again.
try + -ing form
If you try doing something, you do it in order to find out if it is enjoyable or produces the result you want.
I’ve never tried bungee jumping.
Try using margarine instead of butter.
We cannot use other verb forms after “try.”
We must try to prevent this from happening again.
We must try prevent this from happening again. (wrong)
I’ve never tried bungee jumping.
I’ve never tried bungee jump. (wrong)
Try using margarine instead of butter.
Try use margarine instead of butter. (wrong)
Try uses margarine instead of butter. (wrong)
after + adverb + gerund
After seriously reappraising things, you might realize that you don’t care who your ex dates.
We can use prepositions with:
– nouns
– pronouns
– noun phrases
– noun clauses
– gerunds
“After” is a preposition, which we can use with gerunds.
We will contact you after considering your proposal.
We can use this type of phrases at the beginning of a sentence.
After considering your proposal, we will contact you.
We can use adverbs between the prepositions and gerunds.
After closely monitoring the situation, they fired him.
After carefully considering your proposal, we will contact you.
After patiently tolerating his behavior, she decided to divorce him.
include, included, including
More sustainable strategies here include going for a long walk, taking slow, deep breaths, or talking with someone in your support system.
We use the verb “include” to list or enumerate items or indicate that something is a part of something else.
We use “include” with these patterns:
include + nouns
The price for the hotel includes breakfast.
include + -ing form
His job includes looking after under-21 teams.
His job includes look after under-21 teams. (wrong)
His job includes looks after under-21 teams. (wrong)
His job includes to look after under-21 teams. (wrong)
“Included” is an adjective which means contained as part of something.
We use “included” with these patterns:
clause + comma + noun/pronoun + included
Everyone has to go to the dentist, you included.
subject + comma + noun/pronoun + included + comma + verb
Everyone, the chairman included, eats in the staff restaurant.
“Including” is a preposition which means having something as part of a group or set
We use “including” with this pattern:
clause + comma + including + noun/pronoun
Six people were killed in the riot, including a policeman.
There’ll be eighteen people at the party, including you and me.
Common Expressions
look on the bright side
But should you really be trying to look on the bright side?
The phrase “look on the bright side” means to try to find the positive aspects of a situation, even if it is bad. It is a way of coping with difficult times and finding hope for the future.
For example, if you lose your job, you could look on the bright side and say that you will have more time to spend with your family or pursue your hobbies. Or, if you get sick, you could look on the bright side and say that it is an opportunity to learn more about your health and make lifestyle changes that will improve your overall well-being.
in reality
But in reality, each person has to find their own balance.
The phrase “in reality” means “in fact” or “actually.” It is used to contrast with what someone might believe or how they might perceive something, with the actual state of things.
For example, you might say “In reality, he is not very rich,” even though he might drive a fancy car and wear expensive clothes. This is because his wealth is mostly superficial, and he does not have much money in the bank.
Or, you might say “In reality, she is not very happy,” even though she might always seem cheerful and outgoing. This is because she is struggling with some personal problems that she does not want to talk about.
half the battle
While using all these strategies well takes practice, learning to notice your emotions and reflect on where they’re coming from is half the battle.
The phrase “half the battle” is an idiom that means that something is the most important step towards achieving something else. It is often used to express that once you have completed the first step, you are halfway to success.
For example, if you are trying to lose weight, you might say that “eating healthy is half the battle.” This means that if you can eat healthy foods, you will be well on your way to losing weight. However, you will still need to exercise and be consistent with your diet in order to reach your goal.